Fear & Faith

One night, three years ago, I was sleeping soundly when all of a sudden it felt like my internal switch was turned off — snap. There was nothing. No pain. No existence. No feeling of self-awareness. No tunnel. No bright light. No “Come to Jesus” moment. No near death experience.

I regained consciousness suddenly, drenched in sweat and urine. The last thing I remembered was that awful dreadful feeling of the switch being turned off. That loss of all feeling and awareness was the greatest fear I ever had in my life.

What I learned later that month was that this was the first of four cardiac arrests that I would have. I had Bradycardia and my heart just stopped beating. The electrical system of my heart shut down similar to turning off the light switch in a room, blocking the flow of electricity to the lights, causing darkness. I was technically dead for those moments. Thankfully with the help of my wife, Diane, and doctors, I was able to survive.

Most people do not survive a cardiac arrest. I consider it a blessing and a grace from God that I did survive. I now have a pacemaker that keeps my heart going.

I’ve been perplexed for the last three years by that experience of death and the finality of it all. The fear that my soul could cease to exist after my body dies.

I am a Catholic and have been going to church regularly. I consider myself a good man but not exemplary. I have sinned often in my life and fall short of what I consider to be a good Christian. I know I’m a work-in-progress that was far from finished that night. Still, I was hoping that when I died, I would find my way to heaven and eternal bliss and be with my departed loved ones and Jesus Christ.

I have faith in Jesus Christ as my savior and believe in the resurrection and everlasting life in heaven for those that Jesus judges worthy. I believe in goodness, compassion, love, kindness, and forgiveness even if I haven’t always acted that way. I struggle with understanding God’s love and our spiritual purpose and relationship with Christ. I pray often to understand our relationship with God and Jesus. I want to know the joy and internal peace that others feel in their relationship with God, especially those who are poor and suffer much in this life. At times, I feel joy and peace when I do good, but something is missing.

There is a lot of mystery in Catholicism that I can’t comprehend. I pray, especially on the day I go to church, to be enlightened to better understand my religion.

Today at church we had a visiting priest — Father Roger Chikri. He was from Lebanon. He was a friend of Deacon Mike Martin and helped him in Flint, Michigan, doing good works for the poor. He was charismatic and inspiring.

The Gospel reading for today was Matthew 10:26–33{emphasis in bold}:

“Jesus said to the Twelve: ‘Fear no one. Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed, nor secret that will not be known.

What I say to you in the darkness, speak in the light; what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.

And do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in Gehenna [Hell].

Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge.

Even all the hairs of your head are counted.’”

In the Homily, after the Gospel reading, Father Roger talked about the “truths”. The first “truth” was about faith. He talked about fear, darkness and faith. Not the darkness that comes from switching off the lights, but the darkness of evil.

Hearing this, I had an epiphany. Was my fear with and after that first cardiac arrest that kind of darkness? The destruction of both body and soul? The eternal separation from God?

I believe that the experience I had with the first cardiac arrest was an extremely shocking wake-up call for my faith. The realization that I am a work-in-progress and have a lot more to do in my Christian life. This includes testifying to Jesus’s saving grace and presence in our lives.

In the other three cardiac arrests I had that month I did not have a recurrence of that experience of the first one with the switch snapping off and the loss of feeling and self-awareness. They were scary but I had faith that I would get better.

God through his infinite grace and love has not given up on me or you!